Things are changing, rapidly.
I’ve sold most of my dance costumes now, and performed my final show as a soloist. Just one major troupe gig left, and then I will never be Lauren Zehara again.
I’ve thought about marking the end of Zehara. I could put a ponytail, some lashes, and a couple of rhinestones into a pretty box and bury it in the backyard with a ceremony. But the truth is, I’m integrating Zehara, not killing her. And I have a book and DVD out under that name, and will probably continue to write dance-related materials under that name. So it’s a change, but not the end.
I’ve taught my last class and will have my final event in the studio tonight. I need to go there and start dismantling things, get everything ready to sell, give away or trash. It’s overwhelming and emotional. Craig has said he’ll come help me this afternoon, I may just wait for him. I can’t really face this task on my own.
Things with Craig are also evolving. A visit has become a summer together, followed by a break and then another long visit. We will be together more than we’re apart after my first month on my own. We’re seeing a counselor to learn how to resolve the issues that drove us apart in the past, talking about how to manage our finances together. Serious stuff.
Change is hard, even when it’s welcome change. Letting go of things I loved, like my studio and my dance career, is hard even when the future is exciting. This weekend will be a difficult time.
Sunday is Easter, a time to celebrate destruction and rebirth. I will be letting my relatives know about my plan for the first time. It is the final day on my lease, so I’ll be emptying the studio completely. And my first writing assignment for Time Warner is due at midnight.
When I wake up Monday morning, Lauren Zehara will be fully integrated, and Lauren Haas will be completely reborn.